Enablers, flying monkeys and cowards

There are many names out there for those that help abusers to do what they do. Abusers do not operate in a vacuum. They have a team of accomplices that help them with their dirty work. These accomplices are the family members and people that help the abuser to abuse.  In many cases they are not just the abusers family members, but are oftentimes the victims own family members as well. These people may pretend to do it unwittingly, unknowingly or under the guise of “help,” but we know better. Let’s not let them off the hook that easily, it is a choice that they make. They choose to do this for whatever reason it is they choose to tell themselves. As to why, I will never know and am unsure as to what they tell themselves to help themselves sleep at night. I prefer to call it like I see it and I refer to these family members as exactly what they are, “cowards.”

For these family members I’m guessing it must be quite a story they tell themselves and others as to why they are doing what they do. Especially when it is their own family member that they have turned against and betrayed, as they help the victim’s abusers to further abuse them and their children, for those who have children. Many family members actually believe they are helping the children by doing what they do. They have somehow twisted it in their mind that if the victim tries to protect herself or her children from further abuse, by talking about it or trying to get supervised visitation so the children aren’t hurt on visits with the abuser, that she is alienating the children, instead of what she actually doing which is protecting them from further abuse. Can you imagine having a family member actually see the bruises that the abuser has placed on their child and then turn a blind eye and actually end up supporting and helping the abuser to gain custody of said child? My own twin sister did this! Unfortunately, it happens all the time to victims.

So not only are the victims abused and further victimized by the abuser, they are then betrayed by their own family who the abuser manipulates and turns against them, while the abuser is busy convincing everyone that they are the victim. These family members will ignore all of the evidence regarding who the actual victims are and actually end up helping the abusers who has abused their family member and his/her children. It is like being a part of an episode in the twilight zone. It is baffling to say the least and incredibly painful to the victims. Bringing many to the edge of a nervous breakdown and the brink of suicide. This is what the Abusive Narcissist wants. This is exactly what happened to me, and happens to many other victims as well. You see, then the Narcissist would have the ultimate proof that they were right, the victim was “crazy.” Which is what they tell everyone as a part of their smear campaign against the victim.

The abusers gather their helpers through having them feel sorry for them and, as I said, painting themselves as the victims. They will do helpful things for these people and favors to get an in and that is when their true work begins. My ex abusive N was good at construction, so he would do fixes around my family’s house and then once he was in, he started his smear campaign against me. My family bought right into it. They became the perfect pawns in his game. My family was easily manipulated and used as his flying monkeys. What better way to further hurt the victim and who better to do it with than the victims own family. I remember hearing one of my aunts say in regard to my ex husband, “He’s just doing this to hurt Anne”. This was after my other aunt moved him in and was helping him to take our children from me by financially supporting him and helping him with attorney fee’s.

Why my aunt, twin sister and family wanted to help him and not myself and my children, the actual victims, I will never understand.  I wonder what they plan to say to my children, when they are older and start asking why their family didn’t help protect them and instead helped their father who abused them?  My family, as do other victim’s families that do this, knew exactly what and why our abuser was doing what he did, yet they chose to continue to support him and go along with it anyway. They knew it was to further hurt me. They didn’t care about that or about me and my children or how it hurt them. Their actions and support of him proved that.

One day my children will want answers. I hope my family is ready with some good excuses, of which none of us will buy. Instead they will continue to blame me for not having a relationship with me and my children. Unfortunately, they made the conscious decision to support our abuser instead of us, their family, and they will have to deal with the consequences of that for the rest of their lives. They have no one to blame but themselves. They did this to themselves and in the end these family members that choose to do this, only ended up hurting themselves. We, the victims, are free from these toxic family members and are recovering, healing and having better life than we ever would have had if we had stayed in such sick family system.

The Narcissist ends up giving us the victims, the biggest gift they ever could by getting us away from these sick family members who never cared about us anyway. If they did they would never tolerate a family member and their children being abused by anyone ever, no matter what excuse their abuser feeds to them. As far as my aunt who moved in with my abusive ex husband, she said in regard to why,  her excuse was “she was trying to help him.” My question to her and all the flying monkeys, enablers and cowards out there is why you would feel it is necessary to help the abuser and not your own family members the victims? Where was the help for me and my children?

The abusers have their own family.  You seriously can’t see that the abuser uses you to further hurt your family member, their victim? I don’t buy that for a minute. I believe you know it and you not only allow the abuse to continue, you help the abuser to keep abusing. Is it really that difficult to figure out what they are doing and why? As far as my family is concerned, I would say you made a choice and you chose to turn against me and even helped take my child from me. You ended up not only hurting me and causing the deepest pain I have ever felt in my life when my child was taken with no goodbye and I could not see or speak to her for 5 months while you all had her, you also traumatized my children as well, shame on you.

I’m not sure how these people who do this to their family members live with themselves, but I hope for my family that helped my abuser it was all worth it for you and worth the incredible amount of pain that your choices and behavior caused to myself and my children. But I now want to thank you, not only was it what was needed to get me away from my clearly very sick family, it made me so unbelievably strong, grateful and appreciative of the new family and wonderful new people that have come into my amazing life.

I am incredibly blessed and have the life of my dreams now. To my aunt who moved mine and my children’s abuser in to her home and financially supported him, to my twin sister who let him sleep on her couch, to my cousin who let her daughters birthday party be thrown at his house, to my dad, step-mom, brother, mom & step-dad and other family members who communicate with him and do holidays with him, I would ask why? Why would you do this? Why would you support someone who you know has abused a family member of yours and her children? Why is any of it ok with you? And why especially would you admit that you know he is doing it to further hurt me and my children and go along with it? I would love to know why?

For those of you out there that have been subjected to this sort of incredible pain and betrayal from your family members my heart goes out to you. Please know that you can and will survive this. The abusers will do everything in their power to try and break you, don’t you dare let them. Their only goal is to do everything in their power to annihilate and destroy you. Mine even tried to turn my husband and his family against me by contacting them. My Narcissistic mother tried this tactic as well. Nice try. I no longer surround myself and my children with abusive fools who would fall for such tactics. My new family understands unconditional love and loyalty, something my family knows nothing about.

Remember that all the people that fall out of your life, including your family members, aren’t worth a moment of regret or tears. As painful as it is, just remember as I said before, it ends up being the biggest gift your abuser could ever give you. Your abuser is clearing out these cowards who call themselves family but know nothing about loyalty, honor or love. Getting these family members who would turn against their own family members out of your life is a blessing in disguise. You can recover and heal from this betrayal. You will have a much better life without them in it, I promise you this.

Wishing you well on your healing journey,

Anne-Marie Wiesman

3 comments

  1. THANK-YOU ANN MARIE. This information has come to me at a critical point in my life. I struggle to maintain my sanity in this Twilight Zone world. I use the same descriptive words as you, along with smoke and mirrors etc. Your profile of a Narcissist is the piece of the puzzle I was missing. It fits perfectly. I have lost everything financially and will never recover but it cannot compare to what happened to you and your children. Your own twin ?? I feel validated as I share your story that explains these people so well. Take care and best wishes :))

    • I come from a family of malignant narcissism due to an older sibling and once they become aware and u eventually do catch them out its like???!!!??? Where to now??? Will I ever recover? I’m OK now I guess? Crazy!??!

  2. Dear Kathleen,
    I am so sorry for all that you have been through! My heart goes out to you. I am grateful that you found this information helpful. I will let you know that it does get easier with time and you will get through this. Do not let them break you. You will survive and thrive. You are not alone. I’m sending you prayers of strength and healing Xo, Anne-Marie

  3. Thank you for sharing. While reading, I have my own remembrances of what was done to me. The sad part is the family member doesn’t realize what is happening. My soon to be ex has groomed our son to behave the same way his dad does. This man/child/son is incapable of thinking for himself. I have put distance between us. My child once had a good heart, but now, I don’t think he can manage on his own while the N still calls the shots. The N doesn’t care, just as long as the world spins as he deems it. This kind of abuse is far reaching, friends turn their backs, people are not willing to speak up. My souvenir, 24 years of pain. I am strong and I will survive!

  4. I totally understand this kind of abuse I grew up in it. My mother is a narcissist and my one sister seems to be too. The abuse never ends so scary. I have ended the relationship with my Mother it is just too toxic. And my sister is at arms length. I am getting ready to go no contact with her also. I am just realizing how sick she is. She will do bad horrific behavior and blame it on me then scream at me about it. And say I am nuts and sick not her. So sick and crazy. I will survive I have a great job now and have healed so much. Just stay away from the abuse and you will heal too. These people are beyond sick. It is evil.

  5. Thank you for writing this!! It helped me find hope, strength, and I no longer feel so alone! I am dealing with a narcissistic mother who is helping my daughter’s Dad abuse her! They cut me out of the picture, trying to continue the abuse and I’ve felt so helpless!! Thank you for this article that really shows me hope for justice and healing one day from this nightmare…

  6. I moved out of state to be with him so I didn’t have my family or friends near me. Looking back I realize the abuse started right away. When he cheated it was my fault for not loving him enough, when he broke our plans it was my fault for wanting to go out, when he kicked our dogs it was my fault because I’m the one that wanted them in the first place. I had no one to go to for support and when I tried to talk to his friends they blatantly ignored me or defended him. Which was odd because I had heard almost everyone of them talk of his abusive nature in past relationships. It was such a horrible time in my life. Coming home everyday I knew he was going to run me down and make me miserable. He was so gleeful when I told him of a half hearted suicide attempt. I still can’t get over how his friends and family helped him, almost joyfully to destroy me. The best thing I did was to leave and break off all contact. I remind myself of how far I’ve come and that I am getting back to myself.

  7. I am amazed that another person has had her family side w an abusive ex to the extent I have. I really can’t believe mine has. I have come to the conclusion that I will no longer have any contact with anyone I am related to. The whole family is just sick and twisted. My mother has been running smear campaigns on me my whole life. I’m so sick of it all. After talking with my therapist about it for several months I have decided that once I can move, to legally change my name and have it sealed, and start over and disappear from these peoples life. I’ve been the family scapegoat for way too long and now they are trying to do the same things to my son. And my ex has literally been stalking me for over 20 years. I couldn’t make the absurdity of my life up if I tried, it is so unbelievable and messed up I don’t even tell people because who would belief it???? It sounds like a bad soap opera. Wish me luck.

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