I love you, be nice to me.
What I wouldn’t give to say that to my mother and sister. Maybe I will, but then I think to myself what good would it do to ask something of someone who is incapable of giving it. I had to give up that dream long ago and along with it all hope of ever having the relationship I deserved with them. One based on love and support, like I had given to them all of my life. And unfortunately, my love for them cannot make them nice.
Nobody ever wants to give up hope, after all what is there if there is not hope. My hope died a slow and painful death. And as with all deaths there is the grief.
Just when I think the grief is done, it comes up and knocks the wind out of me so hard that I fall to my knees in sobs as the pain overtakes me. Maybe it would have been easier to let them control and abuse me, sometimes I wonder. It certainly would have been less painful.
Then I remember why I did all of it as a flash of my oldest daughter runs through my mind. I did it for them, my girls and I’d take all of the pain and do it all again for them to know that they deserve better than to be with those who wish to control or abuse them.
I am their example, I am their lead. I had to get this right. We had hit bottom and I had to change it. Our lives depended on it, and change I did.
My family wouldn’t even recognize me now. What would we even have even common, other than the blood we share? It’s as if I speak an entirely foreign language now, maybe I always did.
Then again I never really used to speak, they did the talking, they made all the decisions, I went along. Until I saw where that led me too and could go along no longer. I had to end it, it had come down to survival, me or them.
I learned many things along the way. I found my voice and I discovered I had a lot to say. Things I could never say with them. Things that were important to me, my beliefs which were nothing like their beliefs and I began to understand why deep down I always felt different from them.
I lost all of them, but in the process I found me. And as painful as the loss is, I thank God every day. I now see their betrayal as the blessings that it is, it gave me strength I never knew I had. In the end, it was a gift to me.
No one ever said it would be easy, but I do think in the end it is worth it. It is worth it to say no more to abuse in any form. It is worth standing up for what I believe in and it is worth losing all of them to save myself and my children.
Even when the pain knocks me to my knees and I question everything I’ve done and whether or not it was worth it, I do know it was worth it when I look at where my life was when I was with them and where it is now without them and I know without a doubt I’d do it all again.
It is painful, it will hurt, but you will get through it, you are not alone in this. There are many of us having to make this difficult decision that nobody wants to have to make. One thing I do know for sure -The deeper the pain, the higher the joy.
Wishing you well on your healing journey,